This few weeks... I felt I'm lost child, a lost sheep that can't find my master and way back home.
I'm totally lost. I don't feel like smiling but I still force myself to smile and laugh, be happy.
I don't know why. I pray to God, what is going on around me????
"CRYING" become part of my daily activity. I cried when I was bathing, studying, listen music, talking to people, eating also can cry... WHY? you ask me why? I can't even tell you what is the problem. Many many things pass through my mind, about when I was young, secondary time, friends around me, relationship, families, the dark side of me that I myself don't know who am I. Sounds stupid that I become such depress, even though my friend also ask why my face look down and sad. I just told them because of my clinical posting, but to tell the truth, it is NOT!
I may feel tired in posting but my mind and soul is tired. I don't know where is my direction anymore, I know this is a challenge to me. I don't know I can cope it, can I go through or not. I can't really find a person to talk or rely on it. Even though I have a bf, but to tell truth, I sometime don't feel like telling him my stuff...Not to say I don't love him or don't trust him, just I don't want another person I talk with also have same depression with me, and then start to feel angry and sad for me. I don't want to! Parents don't listen, some more add another one have the same feelings with me, I rather keep it to myself. Am I turning away from God? Yes I can say, sometimes I do turn away from Him. Now, slowly I'm seeking for Him, my very best Friend, Jesus.
When I speak to Him, I can feel the peace in me, no matter other people don't understand me or how they say about me. But I know Jesus listen and show kindness, goodness and love towards me. Telling me, Don't be afraid, I am here for you, My light from heaven will shine upon you. Be still, and know I am the Lord Your God!
Yes, Mary Ann, be still, no matter how life it is, you still have to stand up and continue the journey in this world, wait until the day Jesus come. ...
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Thursday, August 5, 2010
First time tears drop show in front of patient..
Today, 5/8/2010, in the morning...
Me, Looi Yoong, Elizabeth and Ding meet a patient who had nose aid for 8 years.
He just undergone a surgery yesterday, when he sneeze out the phlegm all was blood. When I saw him such in pain, I was so sad and wander how he overcome this 8 years.
He told his story when he was teenager, He learned Kung Fu and Karate. He love swimming so much. but he keep on say all already pass.
When he talk about his sickness, and Looi Yoong father's had just passed away also had the same sickness with this uncle- Nose Aid. When Looi Yoong talk about his father, her tears drop. I understand how Looi yoong felt, and my tears drop too. Uncle saw Looi Yoong tears and His tears drops too. He tell us:" Now we are young, must take care of ourself, health is more important than anything. If have time, go travel around the world, enjoy the beautiful nature of our world." He told us. even though he has this sickness, he stilled do things he want to do. He went for diving in Bali, normally won't dare to dive if they have nose problem, but he did not fear. He just want to do the things he long for. I was touch and felt the pain in him. He did 102 times of chemo for his nose, until one year impaired. How sad it is, but he did not fall just because of his sickness. Yet he stilled stand strong and encourage us with full of strength.
We tried to talk to him about the Love of God, but in Him every religion is the same. I have the urge to tell him about Jesus, yet I don't have enough strength to tell Him. This is my first time start to ask people do you know bout Jesus? yet His answer give him a confirmed, but in my prayer, I hope one day there's a person step into his life and tell him about the Love of God.
Although I'm tired and unhappy during clinical posting, but because the strength and Love of God motivates me, I can't do on my own.
Yesterday night, I lead a small devotion with Looi Yoong and Elizabeth. God really speaks to us with word of God. He spoke to us in such miracle. We read Psalms 27... I think everyone should read this whenever you felt tired, unhappy, frustrated, doubt... three of us cried out and ask God for forgiveness because all these day we did not seek him, now we understand what God trying to tell us. I praise God that Holy spirit i guiding us and speaking to us. I'm grateful I still able to stand up once again and have faith in Him, My Lord...
all Glory and power to Him. Amen!
Me, Looi Yoong, Elizabeth and Ding meet a patient who had nose aid for 8 years.
He just undergone a surgery yesterday, when he sneeze out the phlegm all was blood. When I saw him such in pain, I was so sad and wander how he overcome this 8 years.
He told his story when he was teenager, He learned Kung Fu and Karate. He love swimming so much. but he keep on say all already pass.
When he talk about his sickness, and Looi Yoong father's had just passed away also had the same sickness with this uncle- Nose Aid. When Looi Yoong talk about his father, her tears drop. I understand how Looi yoong felt, and my tears drop too. Uncle saw Looi Yoong tears and His tears drops too. He tell us:" Now we are young, must take care of ourself, health is more important than anything. If have time, go travel around the world, enjoy the beautiful nature of our world." He told us. even though he has this sickness, he stilled do things he want to do. He went for diving in Bali, normally won't dare to dive if they have nose problem, but he did not fear. He just want to do the things he long for. I was touch and felt the pain in him. He did 102 times of chemo for his nose, until one year impaired. How sad it is, but he did not fall just because of his sickness. Yet he stilled stand strong and encourage us with full of strength.
We tried to talk to him about the Love of God, but in Him every religion is the same. I have the urge to tell him about Jesus, yet I don't have enough strength to tell Him. This is my first time start to ask people do you know bout Jesus? yet His answer give him a confirmed, but in my prayer, I hope one day there's a person step into his life and tell him about the Love of God.
Although I'm tired and unhappy during clinical posting, but because the strength and Love of God motivates me, I can't do on my own.
Yesterday night, I lead a small devotion with Looi Yoong and Elizabeth. God really speaks to us with word of God. He spoke to us in such miracle. We read Psalms 27... I think everyone should read this whenever you felt tired, unhappy, frustrated, doubt... three of us cried out and ask God for forgiveness because all these day we did not seek him, now we understand what God trying to tell us. I praise God that Holy spirit i guiding us and speaking to us. I'm grateful I still able to stand up once again and have faith in Him, My Lord...
all Glory and power to Him. Amen!
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